News: SMF - Just Installed!
April 23, 2019, 09:24:28 PM

Author Topic: Wolf adds a Cub.  (Read 193 times)

Wolf {MWB}

  • Muddy Water Boy
  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 40
    • View Profile
    • Email
Wolf adds a Cub.
« on: February 11, 2019, 05:37:46 AM »
So in 2 hours my wife is having our daughter.


We are both excited.


Firstly, 8 am not sure of how to handle some things. I don't know what those things are yet but I know that I am out of my depth in the area of raising children as I have never done that. And I feel like raising a daughter is going to be especially challenging as I want her to find love but also to make sure that she is safe I'm the crazy world. I know that these thoughts are further out then having a newborn but I want to put it out there that I need help and I am asking the Fathers in this group to help me with questions I might have as to whether or not some behavior is normal.


Secondly for anyone that has taken care of someone that is either in discomfort or pain for an extended period of time. Towards the end of it did you find yourself unintentionally spending less time with them because it made you experience a negative emotion every time they made a noise of discomfort or pain, because you know that there is nothing you can do to make it better or "fix" it. You just have to hear them be in pain and not do anything. I noticed that I was doing that with my wife towards the end of this pregnancy. I was spending less time awake around her.  I work over nights and I was going to bed later and later during the day which limited the time that I was spending with her. When I realized this it also left a pit in my stomach. I vowed to be with her in sickness and in health. This was the sickness and I hated that there was nothing to do. No problem to solve, nothing to fix. Just let her be in pain because my daughter kept kicking her organs.
So my question is: How do you do the right thing in this situation? How do I be the best husband that I can be as she is recovering from this C-section?

I will add pictures of my daughter and edit this post when she is here.

-Wolf

Lo {MWB}

  • Council
  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 1052
  • Colorado transplant
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: Wolf adds a Cub.
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2019, 08:21:06 AM »
Hey man! Congratulations!

I don't know much about kids myself -- but I do know you're in one of the best communities possible here to learn to be a great father. There's a lot of wisdom in this group, so it makes me glad to see you approaching this challenge with this kind of dedication right from the start.

Secondly for anyone that has taken care of someone that is either in discomfort or pain for an extended period of time. Towards the end of it did you find yourself unintentionally spending less time with them because it made you experience a negative emotion every time they made a noise of discomfort or pain, because you know that there is nothing you can do to make it better or "fix" it. You just have to hear them be in pain and not do anything. I noticed that I was doing that with my wife towards the end of this pregnancy. I was spending less time awake around her.  I work over nights and I was going to bed later and later during the day which limited the time that I was spending with her. When I realized this it also left a pit in my stomach. I vowed to be with her in sickness and in health. This was the sickness and I hated that there was nothing to do. No problem to solve, nothing to fix. Just let her be in pain because my daughter kept kicking her organs.
So my question is: How do you do the right thing in this situation? How do I be the best husband that I can be as she is recovering from this C-section?

This. This I do know about.

And it sucks. Outright, flat out sucks.

But you're recognizing your reaction, which is good. One, it helps you keep your natural reactions in balance. And two, you're seeing the power of presence. For someone in pain (physical or emotional), their best friend simply being present matters. Whether you can be physically present, mentally present, best of all emotionally present -- be as present as possible. (You can't always be all three. That's OK).

If the circumstance is going on for a long time, get some resources and structures in place that allow you time away to recharge. You'll need it. When we were in America, Laura's sister would come spend the day with her once a month or two. I got that day to get away without worrying or feeling guilty about how Laura was doing. And that's golden. Caretaker fatigue is real. And it kills relationships.

I think the only other thing I have to offer is to hold on to hope. Holding on to hope that things will get better, either on this side of eternity or the next, is critical.

Excited for you, and praying for you.
Lo

"I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am" (John Newton: 1725-1807)

Phoenix {MWB}

  • Muddy Water Boy
  • Legend
  • **
  • Posts: 1222
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: Wolf adds a Cub.
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2019, 08:40:28 AM »
I got no personal experience to add but I've been told often that simply worrying about these things and looking for solutions/advice gets you ahead of the curve. Doesn't mean it will be easy but having the desire is part of the battle and it looks like you already have that licked.

Trek {MWB}

  • Council
  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 1570
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: Wolf adds a Cub.
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2019, 09:32:01 AM »
Hey congratulations buddy! I am stoked for you.

There is already some great advice flowing for you. I don't know if I have much frame of reference as a parent, not having done so in my life. However, as far as the significant other is concerned, a lot of times men are looking to fix the problem. It is a natural instinct. See something broken and you just fix it. Women on the other hand don't always want you to fix it. They want you to be there, listen to what they are saying, and empathize. I think that is part of why some women get mad when they tell you about some situation, and you tell them how to fix it. They may already know how to fix it. Let's face it, most of us seek out strong, intelligent women. They know how to fix the problem, they just want their guy to understand and relate to how they felt.

In your case, both of you knew you couldn't fix it. She didn't expect you to, and you cannot be so hard on yourself for not being able to. You are also very justified in how it made your feel. Everyone is different in how adversity affects them. But, that is why some people are wonderful healers and others are not.

Now how I would handle the situation going forth is to talk to her about it. Tell her how you felt. Tell her how you felt when you realized you were sub-consciously pulling away and why. Communication is key in every relationship. I think she will understand and will help you keep from doing it again in the future. Heck you may find that she appreciated the extra space. Most people know that they are not always the most pleasant people when they are sick or in pain. I know when I am sick, as much as I love having someone take care of me, at some point I just want to be left alone.

Food for thought.

Trek

ALPHA {MWB}

  • Council
  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 11661
    • MSN Messenger - Loudmouth3927@hotmail.com
    • View Profile
Re: Wolf adds a Cub.
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2019, 10:59:54 PM »
Wanna get lunch sometime?
Alf
Alpha
Taylor
     But most of all....
            DADDY

Hoot {MWB}

  • Council
  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 9971
    • View Profile
    • Email
Re: Wolf adds a Cub.
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2019, 07:01:08 PM »
Congrats Wolf. Everything go well?

Bring balance to your home. Bring love and forgiveness, also bring expectations and discipline. As your kid gets older, you want to give them freedom to live life, but you also want to protect em. Always striving for that balance. It's something we all try to figure out along the way.

It's okay to step away because you hate seeing your wife in pain. However, if you wife needs you, you have to be there for her. Her pain is worse than our discomfort in being unable to help. So we deal with it and do the best we can to be there.

There is so much stuff ahead for you. As Taylor said, if you're wanting advice and tips along the way, spend time with the guys who've been there. Heck, spend some time with them around their kids and see how they interact with them.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 09:01:42 PM by Hoot {MWB} »
Keeper of the Old Code.



Leviathan {MWB}

  • Muddy Water Boy
  • Legend
  • **
  • Posts: 1578
    • View Profile
Re: Wolf adds a Cub.
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2019, 08:44:50 PM »
Wolf, Congrats on the bundle of joy!

When the going gets tough, stick to your Mud...